


Heresy

by Original_the_2nd



Category: Original Work
Genre: ALL the tags, Abusive Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Hope, Love, Love is complicated, Poetry, abusive relationships aren't just between lovers, but i wouldn't change mine, moving forward, no forgiveness, tagging is fun, you can't break up with family, you can't choose your family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-22 20:24:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9624029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Original_the_2nd/pseuds/Original_the_2nd
Summary: I love my family and I've managed to forgive any and all things that they did that no family should ever do. I can forgive what someone did to me, but I can't forgive what someone's doing.*I know I sound like a winy teen who is exaggerating on some level i probably am but read before you judge and please don't judge my writing on your opinion of me.From my POV because that's all I know.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always constructive criticism isn't just welcomed but encouraged! I would love any advice for my writing or just any ol' comment would be amazing and much appreciated. :)

I still think about it,   
all the time.  
I don’t hate you.  
I don’t hold a grudge.  
I don’t forgive what you did.

What you did will never be okay.   
It will never get easier.  
It will never be fixed.  
It will never let me be. 

It's still happening.   
It happens each time I bite my cheek to stay quiet.  
It happens each time I say yes to things I don’t want.  
It happens each time I find a bruise or scar and think "good."  
It happens each time I offer no resistance when you passively degrade or take from me.  
It happens each time I let my hand pass over my pill bottle, deciding to be forgetful.  
It happens each time I duck my chin down, making no move to avoid the venom spit towards me.  
It happens each time I despise myself for success.   
It happens each time I try to stop people from complimenting or being nice to me when you're around.  
It happens each time I wish I was ugly after hearing you say you hate how pretty I am.  
It happens each time I want to be stupid when you accuse them of liking me more because I'm smart.   
It happens each time I stop myself from talking to anyone about what you did or do to me because I don’t want them to think badly of you.  
It happens each time I want to shave my head when you complain how nice my hair looks and how jealous you are.  
It happens each time they say they can't believe what you did to me and I run to your defense.   
It happens each time I try to stop myself from sharing with you any good news for me.  
It happens each time I fail and I see your lip twitch downward.  
It happens each time I flinch away from touch.  
I can't forgive what's still happening. 

But I can't hate you.   
Because even if you hate me,   
even if you hurt me,   
even if you break me,  
I still love you.  
I still know it's a reaction to misery.

I can't hate you  
Because I still blame me  
For everything you do.

Even though I know better.  
I still love you.  
And I always will.

I know you love me to  
And a part of you blames me  
And always will.

Neither of us'll leave this,  
At least not whole.

So I'll do the only thing I can.  
I'll look out for me.  
Because no matter how many times I try,  
Breaking myself   
Won't make it up to you.


	2. Precursor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before I wrote the poem in the first chapter I spent a lot of time thinking and writing about that subject. This is the original piece I tried to write about it. It's not complete or edited and it probably won't be but I hope someone can enjoy it for what it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No copying. I would be flattered if someone wanted to translate this but only if I get credit as the original author. Constructive criticism is more than welcome and extremely appreciated! Kudos and comments always make my day!

You scare me.  
Because I love you.   
Genetics demand it   
But it's more than that.   
It always is.   
And was.

As much as we like to pretend otherwise,   
Childhood wasn't simpler.   
We just had simpler minds.   
The more complex they grow,   
The more aware we become.

I knew certain things weren't right.  
But never understood why you were so emotional,   
Why you cried, when you promised to stop. 

It wasn't until last year in PE when it hit me.  
I heard of abusive relationships before   
But they were always something that happened to people on TV,  
Not people people, not anyone real, not anyone we knew.   
Definitely not us. 

I was taking Women's Defense Class that year.  
As part of the curriculum we had to learn about abusive relationships.  
We watched some of those shitty VHS movies,   
The ones whose actors all seemed to have thought the middle school stage was enough practice to make it in show bis.  
It was while watching one of those movies that I first realized there was a name for our kind of relationship.  
It wasn't exactly shocking,   
But things seem to take on a new realness when you name them,   
One that can't be shrugged off.  
Everything started shaking.   
Until I realized it was me.

Technically physical violence did stop when you promised me.   
For a while anyway.  
It was always an implied threat though.  
In the way you moved your hands when you yelled,   
The way you cornered me,   
The way you wouldn't let me walk away or not look at you.  
Three and a half years ago is when we stopped pretending anything was fixed.  
That's when you hit me again for the first time in years.   
It hasn't been nearly as frequent.   
Months pass between incidents now.

It wasn't until it slipped out,   
Until I saw the look on peoples faces,   
That I realized it wasn't normal.  
That was two years ago.  
I know better now.   
But that doesn't change much.

I still love you.  
I still feel guilty for the way they treated you after I was born.  
I still feel responsible when anything bad happens to you.  
I know I wasn't the one who hit you,   
I know that it wasn't my fault he never hit me,   
But it feels like it was.

Part of me wants to hate you.  
Because I know others would.  
But I can’t.  
Because we were both children,   
Still are for the most part.  
The world was cruel to you.   
You are a product of the environment you grew up in.   
You did it because it was done to you.  
Because you weren’t taught how to deal with your emotions in a better way.  
I can’t hate you.  
Not when I know how fragile and broken you are.

But I can’t forgive you either.  
And I never will.  
At first I felt guilty that I couldn’t forgive you.  
I don’t anymore.

What you did to me,   
The violence,  
Convincing me it was my fault,  
Training me to feel guilty for being happy,  
Training my young self to expect a constant lack of safety,  
Scaring me so I flinch whenever anyone touches me,  
Taking away my ability to feel safe around others,  
Training me to feel unjustified in feeling emotions, in wanting, in asking for help,  
Teaching me to feel as if I’m a plague upon the earth,  
Training me to always think I am the reason people mistreat me,  
Making me think hurting me is normal, okay, sometimes even crave pain to calm down.  
Everything,  
It’s going to affect me for my whole life.   
What you did to me can never be fixed.  
I can never forgive that.

I still love you.  
I still want you to be happy.  
I can still respect and admire you if you change.  
But you haven’t yet.

I don’t know if you can or will.  
I want you to.  
But that doesn’t really mean much in these situations does it?

____

Right now you’re in hell.  
You tried to end your life two times.  
You are far away with no friends.  
And I don’t think you have any real friends anyway.

You have never once shared yourself with anyone.  
Too scared.

I can see how much that breaks you.  
You’ve been falling apart for decades and I think you’re close.  
Soon, if not already, something big will happen.  
You have the chance to get better, you always have.  
You just never took it.  
Please, for once, just let yourself be happy.

I know I haven’t really been building you a strong case here,   
But you deserve to be happy.  
I haven’t seen you happy,   
And I mean genuinely happy,   
As long as I’ve been alive.  
And that’s almost as long as you have. 

I want you to be happy.  
As complicated and stupid as our relationship is,   
I will always love you.  
Even if you never change or get better,   
Even if you make my life hell and break me,  
I will always love you and want you to be happy.

There is no fixing us.  
No fixing the broken parts of ourselves  
Or the busted way our family works,  
At least not completely.

So if nothing else  
At the very least,  
Find happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (c) 2017 All Rights Reserved

**Author's Note:**

> All Rights Reserved (C) 2017


End file.
